The following is an edited letter from
a mother to her son whom she put up for adoption. She wrote it shortly after his birth and
handed it to the adoptive parents to give him when he came of age to understand.
My precious son,
I do not know how you feel toward me and
the decision I made about your adoption, but I trust your parents, and they must feel you
are ready to know the circumstances of how you came to be. At the time I became pregnant
with you, the relationship with my parents was suffering severely because of my negative
attitude. I had just turned seventeen.
Eventually, with the greatly needed help of
a church leader, I told my parents of the pregnancy, and we proceeded with making plans on
what to do. After much counsel and prayer, and after weighing all possibilities, I made
the decision to have you and give you up for adoption. Our parents agreed that your father
and I were yet too young to marry.
My paernts felt I should live with a foster
family in another state until after the birth, and arrangements were made. I now
understand the wisdom of their decision, but at the time, I was angry and felt as if I was
being "put away" to hide their shame. I did not want to go, and as the time for
me to leave drew near, I became desperate to find a way to stay at home.
I had always been strongly opposed to
abortion, but with these difficult pressures, I found myself thinking about it
occassionally, and even considering it. If I could just remove the presence of the baby, I
could move on with my life and everything could go on as it had been. No more problem. No
fears. No shame. No facing up to my mistake.
The idea of having an abortion actually
started to sound like my solution. I really did not want an abortion, but I was feeling
desperate. I knew I had to act quickly as my flight was scheduled to leave within a few
days. Each clinic I called was unable to fit me into their schedule until well after
flight out of state.
I was emotionally exhausted when I finally
hung up the phone. I went into my room, turned off the light, and crawled into bed, where
I cried myself to sleep. It has been many years since that night, but I can still remember
the dream I had as clearly as if it were yesterday.
In my dream, it was a few weeks before your
scheduled delivery date, and I was lying on a table in the doctor's office having an
examination. The doctor wanted to make sure that you were growing properly and wanted to
take your weight and measurements. He made an incision in my abdomen and carefully removed
you from my womb. I watched as he had you weighed and measured. Everthing was just fine,
and you were developing normally into a fine, healthy baby. I was enjoying the experience,
yet at the same time I was still searching for a way in which I should not have to follow
through with the whole ordeal. For a moment, I considered telling the doctor not to put
you back into my womb--to stitch me up and just let me walk away.
But at that moment, a wonderful thing
happened. You suddenly turned your head and reached out for me, your big eyes glistening
with tears. I could not resist the urge to pick you up. As I held you close, you wrapped
your tiny arms around my neck with the strength of an adult and would not let me put you
down. I could feel your desperation to cling to life, and I knew then that it was a small
sacrifice for me to provide that life for you. The doctor and his office slowly faded
away, and you and I were left alone, still clinging to each other. . . .
When I awoke the next morning, I told my
mother about the dream. I told her that now I knew without a doubt that my child had a
right to live--a right to be born into this world and experience the joys, as well as the
sorrows, that this life can bring. My sweet son, please believe me when I say how much I
love you!
I thought over every possible solution
concerning my keeping and raising you myself, but there were just too many factors mounted
against it. I know I made the right decision in having you adopted, but it is the hardest
thing I have ever done. You were such a beautiful baby, and I loved you so much.
I felt that another couple that was
prepared to start a family, but could have none of their own, would be able to provide for
you far more adequately than I. With me, your life would start in shame, guilt, sorrow,
and without a father to love you as your adoptive father now loves you.
I truly believe that we are , in some way,
assigned children in our pre-earth existence. At one point as I deliberated, I wondered if
I might be giving up one of my assigned children by placing you up for adoption. But
before I reached a conclusion, I had another thought. What happens to the children
assigned to a coule who are physically unable to have any of their own? The moment I had
that question, it was answered in my mind. The couples adopt them. Each time the child
seems to fit so perfectly into the family. I then realized that I was actually carrying a
child that had been assigned to another couple. I hope you understand. Even though I am
the person who carried you and gave you birth, your mom and dad are actually your true
parents.
Though all my wishes are that I could watch
you grow up to be a handsome young man, I know deep in my heart that I have done the right
thing. I hope someday in the eternities we may meet and share our feelings face to face. I
love you son, and always will.
Forever my love,
Mom
(from Coming From the Light,
by Sarah Hinze, p. 75-79)
Sarah and Brent Hinze are continuing to research spiritual communication between parents and unborn children. Those wishing to share PBE stories or obtain more information about the Hinzes'
work, may reach them by the following methods:
email: shinze@juno.com
USPS mail: P.O. Box 31086, Mesa AZ, 85275-1086
phone: 480/898-3009